I'm sure I must be mistaken but I was out bird watching in the Senora Desert and I could have sworn I saw you running around in what looked like a pale blue space suit

I just got beaten in a bike race by a homeless crackhead. Thanks. You've put some kind of creepy middle-aged man curse on me.

You can retire for real this time old friend

I've learned my lesson. No more flaming people online unless it's 100% anonymously.

So now we're running strategy meetings from a strip club? You're really letting Phillips run with the ball these days

See you in few days. The house is going to take some cleaning.

So much for everything being fine nowe. Yeah, apart from the robo-solidiers in my bedroom with machine guns

Can't believe you're movie producer! You're almost cool, Pop!

I just got an invitation to a movie premiere! First thing I've opened in years that hasn't been a bill or a court summons. xoxoxo

Now that I'm almost famous and have stalkers and shit, this psycho-over-protective-dad routine is finally starting to pay dividends! Love you, Pop. xx

We can do this. I know that this family is too irreparably damaged to have any hope of a normal relationship with anyone else. We're stuck with each other. And that's close to a "I love you" ad I've been in very long time.

All those guy friends you've violently assaulted in the past and finally this time it might actually get me somewhere! Fame or Shame here I come!

Physically assaulting annoying celebrities and yoga instructors! When it comes to father-son bonding that's so much more my speed!

Just let me know you're ok?

Hi Dad. Hope you're staying out of trouble and not just eating junk food. Things are going great for me, looks like that TV thing might work out after all. Take care of yourself PLEASE!!!

This bouncing from crib to crib sleeping on couches blows dick. I was thinking maybe you could rent an apartment for me and then you could even crash there sometimes when you got really lonely (you'd have to call ahead of course)?

Flad to hear you haven't been turned into high-fat-content burger meat. Didn't tell you there's an app for everything these days? Never say I don't look out after you

If it makes you feel any better, Fabien is a real douchelord

I hope none of this stuff I'm seeing on the news has anything to do with you

Hope you're taking care of yourself, Dad. I know what a magnet for absolute chaos you are

Jackie from across the street says the house has been empty for days- what's going on? Where are you?

Are you guys on vacation? Haven't seen anyone at the house for a while? Just beeing a good neighbor

Can't believe you brought me out to this backwater shithole. Everybody looks like they're related

Hope you're enjoying your vacation, idiot. I hear Mexico is lovely at this time of year

Just had a quick peek at your day trading accounts - wow you're shit

Are you too technically inept to post anything, or is this just another one of your masterful attempts to stay "hidden"?

You know I miss you, in some weird codependent way. But this is so much healthier for everyone right now.

I know this is kinda awkward adter the whole spiking incidient but I've already blown through all that cash I took from you. Can you spot me $1K for the next couple of weeks? I'm still your only son after all. IM me or something. Later

Makes a change to be with a man who ca satisy me physically, emotionally and spiritually

Next time you pick a job maybe try something that isn't going to start World War 3? When did you get so syupid? Oh wait, yes, during the last 10 years you've spent sitting in the sun drinking yourself to death. I forgot

You'll thank me for anesthetizing you one day, I promise. I hope it gace you some perspective into how unbelievably fucked up our lives are. We all need some distance

I'm still amazed to find possibly the most antisocial luddite on history on here

Are you sure you aren't completing losing your mind? I saw you staggering around Legion Square earlier yelling shit about aliens? It's textbook midlife crisis. Dad, get a grip

I thought you promised me we'd never see that psycho again? This clean slate of yours seems to be getting dirtier by the day.

And wtf uncle trevor doing here? How is he even still alive?

That was my big break! I was going to be famous! Lazlow said the camera loves me! Why are you never there when I need you as a father but ALWAYS there when I don't??? Don't you want me to ba happy? I'LL NEVER FORGIVE YOU FOR THIS.

Nice job. A real gem, you might say! Just like the good old days.

Don't get any ideas. The only reason i tracked you down was because I don't want you to think that winning that run was anything other than poor mismanagement of carbs on my part. Just so we're both clear that on any other day I would have annihilated you. Best, MaryAnn.

I realize it's been a bad run recently what with the misunderstanding with the tennis coach and now the misunderstanding with the shoplifting but if there was ever a man who didn't have the right to judge? Try to focus more not on what I am doing but WHY I am doing it

So seriously what is the new TV situation? Because this needs to get rectified like asap

I hate you. How could you embarrass me like that? Why do you have to be such a fucking caveman? A couple of the guys on the yacht were legitimate industry people. Are you trying to ruin the rest of my life? Do anything like that again and I really will get into porn just to punish you

Good hanging out at Vespucci Beach, pop. I think. Although I'm kind of weirded out by it. And I have these scary pains in my tights. Let's just do something inside next time where my glandular issues and your anger issues won't get us in trouble?

Wow, you really made yourself hard to find with the whole family on here.

Ok, I'd say you've atoned for that decade of poor friendship. How ironic we're both on Lifeinvader? Too soon?

I was driving through Vinewood earlier and saw a guy dressed like a moronic teenager who looked the spit of you! I must be going crazy

Listen bud, sorry again. Not cool. Again, goes without saying that I'll comp the session. No hard feelings I hope

Don't blame Kyle. I thought we had an understanding??? It can't be one rule for you and another for me. What about those three charges to Honkers last month? You think I don't look at the bank statements? Anyway, let's move on... you know, for the kids and all that

So yeah sorry about the boat I was just trying to use my initiative and make a contribution to the finances like you keep saying I need to. Gotta get creative in a recession! At least I was outside right??? That home invader turned out to be pretty cool, btw.

I'm sorry about the shady lease but was it really necessary to destroy the car? And can I get another one? Maybe by tomorrow? Got plans that's all thx.

Do you even know how to use this, old man?

Keep leaving voice-mails about gold - anyone would think you were ignoring me, neighbor :)

5 Lifeinvader friends? That is so tragic I don't even know where to start

I don't know who pervs my friends more you or Jimmy

Mrs De Santa is really making great progress with her long strokes

Thanks for forgetting our anniversary again

I watched that many wives of alfredo smith movie like you said. It sucks massive dongs.

Call me when you regain consciousness. I love that you get at me about daytime drinking. Major por kettle

I've been shouting from my room for like 10 minutes now but nobody's answering. Are you home? Can you bring me another soda?

Thanks for lending me that Rum Runner movie. There's something about that girl in the wheelchair

Go on, update your status, dad, prove you can operate the internet

So apparently my wife wants to switch to the same pool boy Amanda uses? Can you pass on contact details?

Stop flicking cigar butts in the flower beds!

Sorry to trouble you Mr De Santa but I'm still waiting in last week's money. $450 (including overtime)

Thanks for loaning us your maid and for being such a good neighbor (you can imagine what I first thought when i heard the "De Santas" were moving in!). I owe you a beer some time

If you keep refusing to pay for my modeling portfolio I'll have to get them on the cheap with some shady backalley type. Is that what you want?

So when am I going to get you out on the court, bud? I hear you were quite the high school athlete.

Just test drove the new Pegassi. Soooooooo ME! We can't be fully maxed on the 'mortgage', right?

Smoke your way out of the economics crisis with Redwood. The cigarette that built America

How's the day trading going? I had another double-digit month!

Will you clean the juicer after you use it?

Do you feel good about yourself now? Why do you have to scare off every guy that shows any interest in me? We were only cuddling. Thanks for ruining my only chance at happiness

Do you ever find it a little weird being a grown man with no friends?

Just so there's no confusion Mrs De Santa was already passed out when I arrived for the session today. I don't need another one of those court cases!

Great looking at the yacht with you buddy. Hope you didn't mine me tagging along. She's beauty. "Jacqueline" Bet there's a story there :)

Answer your phone Michael! If you're banging a stripper again!

Minor emergency. No food in the house. Taken car and credit card. Later on.